Eating Out of the Trash: Why We Go Back to What Hurt Us
I’ve found myself referencing a line lately in therapy sessions from Taylor Swift’s song “Opalite.” The verse goes:
“I had a bad habit
Of missing lovers past
My brother used to call it
Eating out of the trash
It’s never gonna last”
t’s a sharp, almost funny way to describe something quietly devastating: the urge to go back to what we’ve already thrown away. For many, that means revisiting a relationship we know isn’t healthy not because we forgot the pain, but because we remember the sweetness.
Sometimes “the scraps” aren’t the person themselves. They’re the moments: a certain time of year, the way they laughed, how you felt seen for a fleeting second. You start to over-index on the positive and under-index on the pain. The mind edits the memory until the story looks safer than it was.
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance, a state of mental discomfort that happens when what we believe and what we do don’t align.
Most of us have a value system that guides us toward health. But dissonance shows up when emotion pulls us away from what we know is right for us. It’s that tug between logic and longing, when staying feels wrong, but leaving feels worse.
For someone with an anxious attachment pattern, returning can feel like seeking attention even if it’s negative. The familiar pull of being noticed, even through conflict, becomes intoxicating. For someone avoidant, the old relationship might feel oddly comfortable because it doesn’t ask for too much. It allows partial presence only bits of vulnerability. It feels safe because it expects less. Our systems crave the familiar. Until we give them a new option, until we show them that safety can exist somewhere else. They will return to what they know.
Healing isn’t about never missing the past. It’s about learning not to feed on what can’t nourish you anymore. It’s understanding that comfort and health aren’t always the same thing. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to stop digging through what’s already been discarded. And to believing that you deserve something fresh, whole, and sustaining.
If this resonates with you, and you find yourself returning to what’s familiar even when it hurts, let Halos Counseling support you. Together, we can help you understand the patterns that keep you stuck and begin building the safety and clarity to choose something healthier.
About the Author
Sarah Currie, Ph.D., LCMHC, is a licensed therapist practicing in Charlotte and Shelby, North Carolina. She specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families understand their emotional patterns, strengthen relationships, and cultivate self-awareness.